I was trying to finish off a task before leaving the office for the weekend when a senior colleague dropped by to ask me how I was. I have so many conflicting issues nowadays that I shook my head to say, no, not really fine. Then he asked how my daughter was. I snapped. But I know he is such a kind person so I had that very difficult feeling of trying to explain why I find it discriminating (he’s also a father, why is he still in the office?!?) while saying sorry.
I felt guilty for snapping at him when I know he had good intentions but I also am annoyed at him because now I also feel guilty with Yui.
And so this evening, while tucking Yui in the bed, I sat down by her bedside and looked at her in the eye:
Me: is it ok with you that I work late?
Yui: Yes!! I understand (with much enthusiasm)
I hugged her and said thank you and that I love her so much.
Yui: I understand Mommy have to take care of kodomo (children), work, cooking. Doing laundry, cleaning……
With how she arranged it, I am confident she knows she’s my top priority.
For the last seven years, I have been participating in the annual joint celebration between my church and a neighbor Anglican Church. We call it the Nine Lessons and Carols, patterned after Kings College’s. This tradition in Yokohama has been going on since the 1970s. This year however, brought a challenge, as we couldn’t gather as usual. But our magnificent Choir director was undaunted.
She made guide piano recordings for each of the four voices, plus some solos, and emailed extensive instructions. The recordings started early September. We were supposed to record only roughly seven songs (including descant versions), but I didn’t imagine how difficult it would be, considering my late nights from work.
I was planning to record the last song (with descant, and yes, it’s Oh Come All Ye Faithful) during the long weekend in third week of November. However, after an out of town trip in which I sat beside the driver (hence I chatted ALL THE TIME), I lost my voice. Tried to record during the week that followed but I just couldn’t reach even the lowest soprano note.
On top of that, our choir director gave that Saturday as deadline. Tried again during that day but I just couldn’t. I asked for extension till Monday (goodluck with work overtime!) and choir director graciously allowed.
Come Monday, I almost gave up recording. But somehow, something inside me pushed me to “finish the race”. I still couldn’t sing the high descant part so I aborted that second recording. But I think the usual Soprano part, I did well.
Today, I received an email from our choir director asking me if she could use part of my recording as solo, to be used in our teaser recording. And I got the chills after hearing what she had put together.
I couldn’t believe how good it sounded. And to think I lost my voice. And to think I almost gave up. To think I almost said “no, I can’t with the last song”. I am glad I made the push.
A reminder for me to not give up.
It’s actually a perfect cap for me after my first client meeting, with my new Lead with whom I had to fight so he could recognise me. After the meeting, he told me I did an excellent job. I am glad I did not give up.
Ever since we bought our Christmas tree and its ornaments for our second Christmas on our new home back in 2015, we’ve pretty much used the same decors from then.
Thought of starting a tradition of buying something special and pretty every year.
For this year, we had these pretties.
A bold Elsa, with her water horse. Loving her stance.
Somehow, she reminds me to be bold and keep on the fight.
I had to sit with you during your math drills. I’m not teaching. I’m doing something else while sitting beside you, just to ensure that you sit down to do your maths.
Yes, you need to work on it. You actually already understood how to do your additions and subtractions but that you just couldn’t seem to focus in the same way that you focus with programming, reading, writing kanji, drawing. And you tend to procrastinate before working on your math assignments. I know where your talent lies, and what your interests are. But you’re learning basic math now and we have to work on this.
You seem so disinterested with the subject it’s typical to find doodles like this on your math books.
I support you with your passions baby, but I also need to support you in improving yourself. Lest you third grade teacher will speak with Mom again about your Math 😝
But I believe in you, baby! You’ll soon be a master of this! 🙂
It’s been two full weeks since I’ve joined my new project. A project I least expected to be part of. And apparently, a lot of people in the team was surprised too. Surprised because there was already someone who should be handling what I’m handling now. But then some higher up insisted I should have the post instead. Even more surprising was the one who made the strong recommendation was well known to be very strict and of high standards.
And so he had his way. And I’m now in a team where 90% of the people are people with whom I haven’t worked with. And they’re all men. If you are working in a Japanese corporate company, and you’re a woman, you probably know well the battles I have to go through.
I’ve been mansplained since Day 1. I can’t even finish my justifications/technical explanations without getting interrupted. And the way they explained is just so condescending, as if you have no idea of the topic.
And so since Day 1, I’ve been fighting. And asserting my right. Making a stand. There was a time I had to interrupt my “adviser”, and in a chilling voice told him “it’s not my first time, no need to tell me that”. And the other day, when one Lead ignored my email and I followed up, he started explaining as if I was a college student (he’s younger than me). I’m sure I had fire on my eyes when I strongly said while hitting the floor with the point of my umbrella, “do not underestimate! Never underestimate!” He became friendly to me the day after.
Yesterday (Friday) was sort of a winning moment for me. For a week I’ve been trying to tell several people/Leads about a technical issue that will have huge impact. But nobody seemed to understand and everyone seemed to dismiss my opinion. Thankfully finally the second to top guy in the team finally gave me the go signal to ask another department. That other department came back and affirmed the huge cost impact of the issue I raised.
I was vindicated. But I thought of how much I had to fight. I was starting to think that perhaps, it’s ok not to fight too much. It’s ok to just let them be. I know my worth. I don’t have to shout it out. I don’t need to speak up as I’m already getting tired. I am tired. And it’s just been two weeks.
But then today, unexpectedly, a friend who just resigned, emailed me to say goodbye. And to tell me how she looks up to me. How I inspire her to speak up. How when faced with a challenging task, she’d think of me and think what would I probably say or do if given the same task.
I cried. She was thanking me. But in fact, I should be the one thanking her. Because by telling me all those beautiful words, she reminded me to not give up the fight, when there is something to fight for. That just by trying, I can inspire others to try too. That all my efforts so far has not gone to waste, because somehow, I helped others to strive to be better.
Thank you Ish. You’re the third dear one who told me these sweet words; and I hold all of you dear to me. I am thankful I made a mark in your lives, but more importantly, I am grateful that you told me. It polished my sword, as I keep up the fight and move onwards and up.
We were having your math drills. You’re several chapters ahead of your programming classmates who are a couple of years older than you are; you’re excellent in multiplication, and in measuring and conversions. But for some reason, you’re still struggling with addition and subtraction. And so we were working on it; and I must add that you really are putting effort on it, which is what matters.
You were so focused that for some reason, you got your feet and lower legs inside this. Yes, both of them. And you can’t get them out.
At first you were cool with it and I thought you were just bluffing. But when you were already twisting and turning yet still can’t get your legs out of the contraption, we both got concerned. And we both panicked.
I tried to gently put you and the chair sideways thinking that might help you, but it didn’t. So I carried you (and the chair) upright again. At first I tried to instruct you how to move your feet, then I tried to gently guide your feet out, but it didn’t work. I had to will myself to not touch you because I was afraid I’d panic and pull your feet out by force which will definitely hurt you.
Trying to calm my own voice, I reminded you to calm down, take deep breaths, to clear your head. You were able to get your feet inside so that means you can take them out. Calm down, take deep breaths, and think.
Like a pro, you immediate made several Lamaze breaths. Deep breathe in, exhale out. You did six cycles. And like magic, you were able to untangle your legs. Before I could hug you, you stood up, corrected your chair, flipped your hair, and picked up your pencil to continue your drill. I counted to five (I was thinking that I should be worried if you just carry on as if nothing happened). My counting didn’t reach five. At four, you broke into tears and bawled over to me. I let you cry in my arms. At some point you looked up and with a laugh pointed to me that my shirt is full of tears and snot. I said it doesn’t matter. Just cry on. And you did. After crying your heart out, you looked up to me, eyes still full of tears, but with laughter all over your face, whilst saying, “I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life stuck in this chair!”
That definitely cracked us and gave us a good laugh. We imagined scenarios of how you could have had spent the rest of your life in that chair and how we’d have to carry you (and the chair) around to school and to after-school. And that you’ll play soccer with the chair. You added you can be the goalkeeper because you can’t run.
I am thankful that you were able to get yourself out of getting stuck. But what I was more thankful was that it gave me an opportunity to share with you how calming yourself down could help you resolve tricky situations; how going panicky will not help things; how having a clear mind could help you think of solutions to your predicament; how taking deep breaths could help you clear your mind. You asked me if deep breathing could also help you calm you down when you’re trying to make friends. And I said it could. Deep breaths couldn’t really stop all the heart pumping, but at least it could calm you down a little. I appreciate as well how you capped our predicament with laughter.
